Beauty, Baldness, and Bravery

On February 14th, I had a coming out on FB.  I posted the following words and picture,

I am about to do something bold and scary. I absolutely hate drawing attention to myself. But I'm also thankful for social media today and that I can get this out. I'm pretty open about about the fact that I have alopecia areata but have never made a huge announcement so this will be new to some of you. Alopecia areata is autoimmune disorder in which my body attacks itself and I end up with bald spots all over. Since I was young, I've had bald spots come and go. Certain times are worse than others and the cause and cure are unknown. Over the last few months, it's gotten worse again. I've lost 30-40% of my hair on my head. I'm tired of trying to cover it up everyday. It's time consuming and expensive. I also absolutely hate wearing a wig. I did for years but it was uncomfortable and I was still self-conscious. All that to say you are about to see me shaven. I am hoping by announcing this I will stop the confusion and rumors of cancer (which have happened before). I don't feel sick. I'm okay with any questions you have. I don't mind talking about it. I covet your prayers as I do this. Thank you for letting me share this and get real with you.

I was completely overwhelmed with the response.  The largest response by far has been people telling me I'm beautiful.  The second has been people saying I'm brave or courageous or strong.  I have appreciated every word.  Though I must confess that when I made the decision to do this, I didn't feel beautiful and being brave or strong never entered my mind.  I just knew with everything in me that it was time.  I believe the Holy Spirit gave the courage to do it.  I did shed some tears that morning, but for the most part I knew it was what I needed to do.  And it was one of the most freeing experiences I've ever had.

I need to stop here and say that this is MY calling. I do not believe there is anything wrong with wearing a wig or scarves or hats.  This is not and will never be about making a statement or telling others I'm doing it the correct way. For me, I had this constant inner battle anytime my alopecia worsened of wanting to be open about it and at the same time wanting to hide.  I have struggled with a strong desire to look normal.  Even though, I'm not sure any of us know what normal really looks like.

I've thought often over the last few weeks, why is this brave?  Why has it been so freeing?  I think the answers to both for me are one and the same.  I GAVE OVER SOMETHING I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CONTROL FOR YEARS.  I walked in obedience and haven't looked back. I literally felt lighter in so many ways and knew I had let go of a weight that had been tangling me up.

I really believe it has very little to do with my hair. If you've read any of my other blog posts, especially the one about me loving lists, you know I tend to be quite the control freak.  I'm also a slow learner.  I've never had control over this, yet I kept trying to control it.  I've seen traditional doctors, tried treatments, changed my diet, cut out stress, taken supplements, and currently see a wellness doctor.  I actually feel better than I have in years. Still, my hair continues to fall out.  In doing all the blood work I've done over the past year, I've also been informed that I have markers for other autoimmune disorders, several in fact. In short, my immune system overreacts causing inflammation in various forms. Anyone with any autoimmune problems know it can be very frustrating and confusing.  And you have no real control.  Yes, I feel better and have actually seen numbers drop in my blood work on my current diet, but obviously it's not been a miracle cure.  As far as I know, there is only one person capable of miracles and so far He's not given that to me in this area.

However, I cannot complain.  I have been given a different kind of miracle.  I don't cringe when looking in the mirror anymore or worry about whether a bald spot is showing.  I'm learning about true beauty and actually listening.  I don't know if I'm at the point where I can thank God for this and mean it, but I am truly thankful for what He is teaching me through it.  I still wish I had hair sometimes and some days are harder than others, but most days I'm completely okay with being a partly-bald chick with a buzz cut.  Of course, the fact that it only takes me about 15 minutes to get completely ready in the morning is a bonus. And then there's the money I'm saving on products and haircuts. :)

I'm sharing this to hopefully encourage you.  Whatever God is calling you to, do it.   It probably won't be easy.  Freedom rarely is, but it's worth it.  I don't feel brave.  I feel vulnerable.  In Deuteronomy and Joshua, we read the words "Be strong and courageous."  So often we try to muster up courage that never seems to appear.  The problem is we are not reading the rest of the words.  Both times they are followed by a promise that God never leaves or forsakes us.  We are not called to be strong and brave on our own. He is always with us and we are meant to be courageous in His strength.

God has been teaching me lots with my new look.  I really don't what this blog to become the "bald girl" site, because I know my identity is not in my hair.  However, it is a big part of my life and I will continue to share as I feel led.