Truth & Femininity

I had my pity party yesterday.  As much as part of me didn't want to be that honest on here, it was good getting it out.  I think once something is out there, we have to deal with it.  I could keep pretending to most everyone that I'm good and never struggle with this.  Or I can share it and have to face it.  In facing it yesterday and praying and thinking, I realize that I was believing in a lie.  And there is freedom in truth.

The truth is some mornings when I'm getting ready for the day, I am bothered my the image looking back at me.  Other days I'm perfectly fine with who I am.

The truth is some days since I've had my new "hairdo", the double takes in the grocery store make me want to hide and other days they actually make me smile.

The truth is some nights I want to sit and whine that I have to deal with this and other nights I'm so grateful for this journey.

The truth is some moments I feel beautiful and other moments I do not.  But that has nothing to do with hair.  That would be true at any time in my life.  I think it's true of all women.  At least I hope all women feel beautiful at some point in their lives.

And the truth is that I've struggled with femininity for much longer than a few months.  This is where I found the lie.  The Bible tells us to "stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist" and when we are believing in lies, there are cracks in our armor.  

What is femininity?  Here is what Google says,

the quality of being female; womanliness.
"she celebrates her femininity by wearing makeup and high heels"

The definition is fine, but it's the example using makeup and high heels where our thinking can go south. If I'm being honest, when I think about what it means to be feminine, most of my thinking has to do with outward appearance. I have a friend who comes to mind when I think on this topic. She prefers wearing dresses, has a beautifully decorated home, enjoys baking, always has her hair done, and often dons a string of pearls. She sounds pretty perfect, right?  Well, first of all, none of these are true all of the time. She would be the first to laugh at me if she knew that it was her I was describing here. I've probably seen one Christmas card picture of her like this and now assume it's always this way. We, females, have a tendency to do that, don't we?

The world, and often other Christians, tells us that being feminine has to do with hair styles, hem lengths, body size, lace, lipstick, pearls, and so forth.  If this is the truth, then so many in this world will never attain femininity and what a shallow goal in which to strive.  If the definition is simple being female, why do we add so much?

What does the Bible say about being a woman?  I read through lots of scripture and it rarely has to do with appearance.  In fact, 1 Timothy 2 talks about appearance and says women should wear "appropriate clothes and not draw attention to themselves" and women are "attractive" by the "good things that they do."  I'm pretty sure that is the exact opposite of what the world tells us.  So, I kept searching and landed on probably the most feminine woman in the Bible.  Oh, you Proverbs 31 mysterious woman, you!  So often, we read through Proverbs 31:10-31 and all that she does and we feel defeated.  She's superwoman, right? We get tired just thinking about it.

This time I looked more for who she is rather than what she does.  I think I found the truth about femininity.  This beautifully, feminine woman is trustworthy, hard-working, energetic, strong, hospitable, giving, resourceful, one who enjoys beauty, one who speaks with wisdom and kindness, one who brings good to her husband, and most of all she fears the Lord not her future.  

I was looking through pictures of my recent trip to New York and found this one,

It's of my beautiful sister and I excited about heading to a church service at Brooklyn Tabernacle.  Two God-fearing women looking forward to worshiping their Savior in a new place.  I think that's pretty feminine. 

Let's change the definition of femininity from the one the world so easily presses on us, especially for those girls growing up behind us.  Let it not be something they can never attain and always struggle with.  Let is be based on truth and not a lie.

I Want Hair

I know I've been quiet again. It started when the whole World Vision thing greatly upset me and I had no words.  Then, busyness and distractions took over.  Oh, how easy it is to become distracted these days.  Distracted from purpose.  Distracted from calling.  Distracted from God.

In effort to be fully transparent, I feel called to share my struggles.  Humbling as it is at times that is the purpose I feel God calling me to.  I feel Him calling me to share with others what I am learning from Him and where I am failing.  Hence, the title of the post.  I want hair!  I really do, at least today, and the last few weeks.

When I first shared my story and shaved my head, there was freedom and confidence that only came from the Holy Spirit.  I was excited about Him possibly using this for His glory.  There were moments of doubt but they were fleeting.  Not anymore.  It's only been 2 1/2 months.  I am apparently fickle.

I am already tired of being different.  I am tired of not feeling feminine.  I am tired of arguing with myself that this is small in the grand scheme of things.

As I cried in the shower this morning, I heard a whisper in my soul, "It's not about you, it's about Me."  My mantra has been that very thing for years.  I say it to myself often.  I write on the pages of my journal.  It's not about me, it's all about You.  And there is the answer to my weariness.  I devoured a book about nutrition and autoimmune disease over the last few days and only spent minutes in His word.  I spent more time thinking about how frustrated I am with my body and health (which continues to pop up with new issues) than talking with Him.

If I have ever appeared strong, it's all Him. I am weak, obviously.  I truly want more than anything to serve Him and be used by Him yet I so easily lose focus.

I don't know where I am going with this other than I know He is calling me to share.  May whatever I write or say be from Him and not me!

Beauty, Baldness, and Bravery

On February 14th, I had a coming out on FB.  I posted the following words and picture,

I am about to do something bold and scary. I absolutely hate drawing attention to myself. But I'm also thankful for social media today and that I can get this out. I'm pretty open about about the fact that I have alopecia areata but have never made a huge announcement so this will be new to some of you. Alopecia areata is autoimmune disorder in which my body attacks itself and I end up with bald spots all over. Since I was young, I've had bald spots come and go. Certain times are worse than others and the cause and cure are unknown. Over the last few months, it's gotten worse again. I've lost 30-40% of my hair on my head. I'm tired of trying to cover it up everyday. It's time consuming and expensive. I also absolutely hate wearing a wig. I did for years but it was uncomfortable and I was still self-conscious. All that to say you are about to see me shaven. I am hoping by announcing this I will stop the confusion and rumors of cancer (which have happened before). I don't feel sick. I'm okay with any questions you have. I don't mind talking about it. I covet your prayers as I do this. Thank you for letting me share this and get real with you.

I was completely overwhelmed with the response.  The largest response by far has been people telling me I'm beautiful.  The second has been people saying I'm brave or courageous or strong.  I have appreciated every word.  Though I must confess that when I made the decision to do this, I didn't feel beautiful and being brave or strong never entered my mind.  I just knew with everything in me that it was time.  I believe the Holy Spirit gave the courage to do it.  I did shed some tears that morning, but for the most part I knew it was what I needed to do.  And it was one of the most freeing experiences I've ever had.

I need to stop here and say that this is MY calling. I do not believe there is anything wrong with wearing a wig or scarves or hats.  This is not and will never be about making a statement or telling others I'm doing it the correct way. For me, I had this constant inner battle anytime my alopecia worsened of wanting to be open about it and at the same time wanting to hide.  I have struggled with a strong desire to look normal.  Even though, I'm not sure any of us know what normal really looks like.

I've thought often over the last few weeks, why is this brave?  Why has it been so freeing?  I think the answers to both for me are one and the same.  I GAVE OVER SOMETHING I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CONTROL FOR YEARS.  I walked in obedience and haven't looked back. I literally felt lighter in so many ways and knew I had let go of a weight that had been tangling me up.

I really believe it has very little to do with my hair. If you've read any of my other blog posts, especially the one about me loving lists, you know I tend to be quite the control freak.  I'm also a slow learner.  I've never had control over this, yet I kept trying to control it.  I've seen traditional doctors, tried treatments, changed my diet, cut out stress, taken supplements, and currently see a wellness doctor.  I actually feel better than I have in years. Still, my hair continues to fall out.  In doing all the blood work I've done over the past year, I've also been informed that I have markers for other autoimmune disorders, several in fact. In short, my immune system overreacts causing inflammation in various forms. Anyone with any autoimmune problems know it can be very frustrating and confusing.  And you have no real control.  Yes, I feel better and have actually seen numbers drop in my blood work on my current diet, but obviously it's not been a miracle cure.  As far as I know, there is only one person capable of miracles and so far He's not given that to me in this area.

However, I cannot complain.  I have been given a different kind of miracle.  I don't cringe when looking in the mirror anymore or worry about whether a bald spot is showing.  I'm learning about true beauty and actually listening.  I don't know if I'm at the point where I can thank God for this and mean it, but I am truly thankful for what He is teaching me through it.  I still wish I had hair sometimes and some days are harder than others, but most days I'm completely okay with being a partly-bald chick with a buzz cut.  Of course, the fact that it only takes me about 15 minutes to get completely ready in the morning is a bonus. And then there's the money I'm saving on products and haircuts. :)

I'm sharing this to hopefully encourage you.  Whatever God is calling you to, do it.   It probably won't be easy.  Freedom rarely is, but it's worth it.  I don't feel brave.  I feel vulnerable.  In Deuteronomy and Joshua, we read the words "Be strong and courageous."  So often we try to muster up courage that never seems to appear.  The problem is we are not reading the rest of the words.  Both times they are followed by a promise that God never leaves or forsakes us.  We are not called to be strong and brave on our own. He is always with us and we are meant to be courageous in His strength.

God has been teaching me lots with my new look.  I really don't what this blog to become the "bald girl" site, because I know my identity is not in my hair.  However, it is a big part of my life and I will continue to share as I feel led.