Truth & Femininity

I had my pity party yesterday.  As much as part of me didn't want to be that honest on here, it was good getting it out.  I think once something is out there, we have to deal with it.  I could keep pretending to most everyone that I'm good and never struggle with this.  Or I can share it and have to face it.  In facing it yesterday and praying and thinking, I realize that I was believing in a lie.  And there is freedom in truth.

The truth is some mornings when I'm getting ready for the day, I am bothered my the image looking back at me.  Other days I'm perfectly fine with who I am.

The truth is some days since I've had my new "hairdo", the double takes in the grocery store make me want to hide and other days they actually make me smile.

The truth is some nights I want to sit and whine that I have to deal with this and other nights I'm so grateful for this journey.

The truth is some moments I feel beautiful and other moments I do not.  But that has nothing to do with hair.  That would be true at any time in my life.  I think it's true of all women.  At least I hope all women feel beautiful at some point in their lives.

And the truth is that I've struggled with femininity for much longer than a few months.  This is where I found the lie.  The Bible tells us to "stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist" and when we are believing in lies, there are cracks in our armor.  

What is femininity?  Here is what Google says,

the quality of being female; womanliness.
"she celebrates her femininity by wearing makeup and high heels"

The definition is fine, but it's the example using makeup and high heels where our thinking can go south. If I'm being honest, when I think about what it means to be feminine, most of my thinking has to do with outward appearance. I have a friend who comes to mind when I think on this topic. She prefers wearing dresses, has a beautifully decorated home, enjoys baking, always has her hair done, and often dons a string of pearls. She sounds pretty perfect, right?  Well, first of all, none of these are true all of the time. She would be the first to laugh at me if she knew that it was her I was describing here. I've probably seen one Christmas card picture of her like this and now assume it's always this way. We, females, have a tendency to do that, don't we?

The world, and often other Christians, tells us that being feminine has to do with hair styles, hem lengths, body size, lace, lipstick, pearls, and so forth.  If this is the truth, then so many in this world will never attain femininity and what a shallow goal in which to strive.  If the definition is simple being female, why do we add so much?

What does the Bible say about being a woman?  I read through lots of scripture and it rarely has to do with appearance.  In fact, 1 Timothy 2 talks about appearance and says women should wear "appropriate clothes and not draw attention to themselves" and women are "attractive" by the "good things that they do."  I'm pretty sure that is the exact opposite of what the world tells us.  So, I kept searching and landed on probably the most feminine woman in the Bible.  Oh, you Proverbs 31 mysterious woman, you!  So often, we read through Proverbs 31:10-31 and all that she does and we feel defeated.  She's superwoman, right? We get tired just thinking about it.

This time I looked more for who she is rather than what she does.  I think I found the truth about femininity.  This beautifully, feminine woman is trustworthy, hard-working, energetic, strong, hospitable, giving, resourceful, one who enjoys beauty, one who speaks with wisdom and kindness, one who brings good to her husband, and most of all she fears the Lord not her future.  

I was looking through pictures of my recent trip to New York and found this one,

It's of my beautiful sister and I excited about heading to a church service at Brooklyn Tabernacle.  Two God-fearing women looking forward to worshiping their Savior in a new place.  I think that's pretty feminine. 

Let's change the definition of femininity from the one the world so easily presses on us, especially for those girls growing up behind us.  Let it not be something they can never attain and always struggle with.  Let is be based on truth and not a lie.

I Want Hair

I know I've been quiet again. It started when the whole World Vision thing greatly upset me and I had no words.  Then, busyness and distractions took over.  Oh, how easy it is to become distracted these days.  Distracted from purpose.  Distracted from calling.  Distracted from God.

In effort to be fully transparent, I feel called to share my struggles.  Humbling as it is at times that is the purpose I feel God calling me to.  I feel Him calling me to share with others what I am learning from Him and where I am failing.  Hence, the title of the post.  I want hair!  I really do, at least today, and the last few weeks.

When I first shared my story and shaved my head, there was freedom and confidence that only came from the Holy Spirit.  I was excited about Him possibly using this for His glory.  There were moments of doubt but they were fleeting.  Not anymore.  It's only been 2 1/2 months.  I am apparently fickle.

I am already tired of being different.  I am tired of not feeling feminine.  I am tired of arguing with myself that this is small in the grand scheme of things.

As I cried in the shower this morning, I heard a whisper in my soul, "It's not about you, it's about Me."  My mantra has been that very thing for years.  I say it to myself often.  I write on the pages of my journal.  It's not about me, it's all about You.  And there is the answer to my weariness.  I devoured a book about nutrition and autoimmune disease over the last few days and only spent minutes in His word.  I spent more time thinking about how frustrated I am with my body and health (which continues to pop up with new issues) than talking with Him.

If I have ever appeared strong, it's all Him. I am weak, obviously.  I truly want more than anything to serve Him and be used by Him yet I so easily lose focus.

I don't know where I am going with this other than I know He is calling me to share.  May whatever I write or say be from Him and not me!